I can honestly say October was a whirlwind of different emotions, and plenty of hospital appointments. Needless to say I am still unwell, but I couldn’t care less anymore. For me October was supposed to be a month of Halloween preparations, baking and endless autumnal walks. However, most of that did not happen.
But, for me I achieved to go out and achieve a few walks in the blazing heat (Heat is so unusual here!), pick pumpkins and eat sugar! So I got a few things ticked off my list. The walks were beautiful and peaceful, filled with colourful leaves, a few puppies and pumpkins!
Autumn is always my favourite time of the year. I get to experience the colourful fallen leaves, different coloured pumpkins and even bake to my heart’s content. Although October sent me to the hospital more than I would’ve wished, but I managed to do most of my yearly check list. I managed to walk along the beach in freezing weather, go and see a Queen tribute (Hell yes) and see the new Bohemian Rhapsody film (It was fricking amazing). So I can say I experienced some positive parts of the month. It was short, but snappy.
But like all stories, I have had some menacing, aching and annoying parts. One of the lasts posts I did was about my HSP getting better, however that turned my life around so bloody fast. For the past few weeks I’ve been experiencing pain, aches and more purpura.
Delightful. I have tried my soul hardest to remain this positive and happy girl, whereas I’m actually fricking pissed on the inside. My body ceases to amaze me still to this day, and somehow it manages to turn one bit of my happiness into soul crushing depression. (All fairy-tales aren’t true)
And that is only a small part of what I’m dealing with.
I’m currently deal with a mess-up of a life, and no one (doctors, etc) really takes me seriously.
If there’s a God, he’s doing his best to curse my sins. (Like I have any)
So yeah this last month has tested, challenged and fought it’s hardest against me. To me this is my life. Unfortunately when you’re a survivor of Cancer you’re signing up to a ridiculous amount of side-affects and problems. There’s is no end of treatment contract telling you what you may/may not have as side-affects (although that would help a bunch.)
You’re basically told to get on with the life you have. With no help whatsoever And believe me if I could I would break a wall with the amount of anger I hold back.
However, I have accepted this. Yes it is unfair. Yes no child should go through it, but this is my life and I’m currently used to its ridiculous traits.
But I kick its
arse by spending time at the park and seeing the local hospital therapy dog (she’s adorable), listening to god damn killer songs and making the most of the life I have. Whether that’s stroking some strangers puppy, making your own cupcakes, simply playing with your curious chicken (who’s actually a weirdo), going out to a local cafe or speaking to people who make you laugh until you fall off your bed (yes this did happen, best two minutes of my life).
Life is surprising, and I know all too well why it is.
So I choose to stick to the best stuff I know, to enjoy my day.
I accept Depression, Anxiety, Cancer, Hospital, etc. But I couldn’t care less anymore. It is what makes me who I am. Yes I have problems, but I try my god damn hardest not to let the defy who I am, even though I have my days.
So my new month provides me with a fresh, new perspective. November will hopefully bring me more joy (especially this weekend!), more puppy hugs and a tasty treat in the middle.